FourBux

So, I talked to the CIA today

One of the things I like about working for The Company is that a place this size affords me many opportunities that I didn’t have as a freelancer. One such opportunity is the joy of the fire drill. Haven’t gotten to do one of those for a while. Really set my Tuesday off on the right foot. Sadly we all thought the sound was the fax machine choking on a timeshare offer so we ignored it. Looks like we’ll be getting safety training for that one!

Another opportunity I had was to attend a mini-seminar given by a member of the CIA’s Cyber Crimes unit. This little pep-talk was given as part of our internal Information Security folks’ open house, which I thought was going to be a snoozer, but turned out to be fun. Not because of the content. There was candy, which I needed like a hole in the head, popcorn, cookies and sodas. It was like trick or treating at Fox Mulder’s house.

I have to say, I learned a lot from the speaker. Sure, I’m thinking some of it was the mystique of listening to an actual CIA agent, but I think there were some nuggets too, and I feel like I should pass them on. After all, we are all connected on the web, and you really should know this stuff:

First: The Nigerian Email Scam isn’t necessarily illegal. What, you say? Here’s the interesting caveat: in Nigeria, what’s being asked is not illegal. If the request actually originates in Nigeria, that is. However, when the appeal crosses our borders and into our email boxes twenty-three times a day, that’s when it becomes illegal. Who knew, right?

Second: Using web anonymizers is one pretty good way to get yourself added to the CIA/FBI database. If you don’t know what that is, the simple explanation is that it’s a complicated piece of internet routing software that sends your request to a web site through a bunch of different locations and web servers in order to hide your true identity on the web. Like in every spy movie where they try to trace a call, but the little red line flies all over the world so the cops can’t figure out where it’s coming from. And, if you stop to think about it, if you’re really intent on not getting caught doing what it is you’re doing, you probably don’t want to go this route.

Third: And I only put this one at third because I want the space to drive this one home. It really should be number one. Or maybe the title at the top of the list. It’s the single most important underlying idea behind the need for online enforcement: when it comes to the world of the web, people are just not that bright. Some may even use the word idiots. After a fairly interesting 25-minute presentation, mister Secret Agent Man opened the floor up for questions from the peanut gallery, which is when it got entertaining:

Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal: “Uh, if it’s so bad on the internet, why can’t you just turn it off?”
CIA: “Turn it off? Turn what off?”
Happy Meal: “The internet. If the government owns it, why can’t you just turn it off?”
(For those of you following along, this is the exact moment when CIA realizes that he has just opened Pandora’s younger, mentally challenged sister’s box. He starts out with what would have been a valid argument, but quickly realizes that it’s a lost cause, and succumbs to the despair:)
CIA: “Uh, it’s really a question of bandwid…um…it’s not really….uh…no. We can’t turn it off like a light. And the government doesn’t own the internet.”

Next question. My fingers crossed, hoping for crazy. I was not disappointed.

Questionable Web Master: “Yeah, you may not have heard about this, but what’s your opinion on mumble mumble mumble?” I kid you not, he didn’t want to state his question out loud! Thankfully, the lady behind me was having none of that -
Woman: “What?! Repeat the question! I can’t hear him!”
CIA: “The question deals with web anonymizers, and what I thought of a particular software service. The bottom line is that if you’re running one of these services you’ll show up on our radar a lot sooner than if you weren’t. The only benefit is that your internal security folks won’t know about it as quickly.”

Web Master, after hearing what was obviously not the answer he had hoped to get, waited until the next question was being asked, and then left. I’m betting that he went back to his office to uninstall whatever software it was that he asked about.

“If I buy something at the Spy Headquarters store, do you guys know who I am?”

“If I look up a web site that shows how to make a suicide vest, do I go on the list?”

“If there are 5,000 Jihad web sites out there, why can’t you shut them down? Or go after the people that made it?”

Even though there were more questions, I want to leave you with this gem:

Watches Too Much TV: “Uh, yeah, my question is in two parts. I was in the session you gave earlier and that information, um, along with what you just told us, um, kind of paints a picture that you guys, the good guys, are really outnumbered. Does it seem like that to you?”
CIA: “Not really. Is it hard to catch these people? Yes. But is it hard to catch a thief who robs a bank? Sure. There are a few big fish that we try to go after, and that aligns with our directive to combat terrorism, both in the real wo…”
TV: “Um, okay, but, uh, do you use online banking?”
Woman behind me: “Mmm, mmm! Good question!” Really? Is it? Because I don’t think so.
CIA: “What? Online banking? Uh huh. Yes, I do online banking, but only with reputable entities that I know and trust. I wouldn’t walk into a new bank if it was set up in a trailer and hand over my pay…”
TV: “Okay, uh, second part, now, not that I am planning on doing anything, but, ah, and we all know that in the real world crime doesn’t, you know, but on the internet, it makes me wonder: does crime pay?”

Seriously. He just asked a CIA agent if online crime pays. As if McGruff the crime dog’s slogan was the motto that these guys live by. He has the rapt attention of everyone in the room. By this time I’m bouncing in my seat, trying to hold back the tears and laughter.

Mister Agent looked back at him, with those I-went-through-CIA-boot-camp-for-this eyes, and said “No. Internet crime does not pay.”

I had two questions that I wanted to ask, but alas, the agent ran away: what’s the stupidest question you’ve ever been asked, and second, did it happen here today? Because I think we set a record. Let me know.

Holy crap. And we wonder why we’re having so much trouble getting people to find the “log into my account” button on a web page? I think that’s the least of our concerns.

Cheers.