Starbucks is selling breakfast sandwiches. And I’m not okay with that.
I have a problem. My mornings revolve around, well, let’s be honest. They revolve around my previous evening. And since I don’t plan on changing my night time routine any time soon, I have developed a workaround.
And that workaround is to answer the sweet sound of the siren’s call…a trip to the Fourbucks on the way to work. As a general rule, I already try to avoid the stores that have installed a drive through, because I’m not there paying through the nose because I absolutely love their coffee, despite their efforts to infuse it with 50% more caffeine than other coffee to get me hooked, but I visit Fourbucks at least partially because of the atmosphere. It used to be a cool place to hang out, study, read, strike up a conversation with a stranger, but now, eh, not so much. It’s become the equivalent of the swap meet - loud, dirty, and packed with the unwashed masses.
Besides having sales people hawking $300 cappuccino machines and assorted coffee paraphernalia at the door, they of course sell pastries. Which I’m fine with, although if you ever checked out the caloric content of some of their grub it would really cut down on the number of items you eat there. I recently discovered that one of their scones had the same amount of calories as a junior cheeseburger. For that kind of fat content what I’m eating better be hot and have cheese oozing out of it.
In addition to selling things we can use to fill the aching void in our faces, they also schlep music. You like the music you’re hearing while you stand in line like so many sheep? Well, impulse buy it at the counter. Sure, you can download the entire CD from iTunes for $9.99, but we’ll sell it to you for $14.00 - plus you get this giant piece of marketing crap that immediately goes into the trash! It’s a win-win. How about a seasonally themed stuffed animal, handmade with care by some child in Indonesia? Please, think of the children. You don’t want them to get fired, do you?
But I digress. What could very well be the nail in the coffin for me is the new decision to sell “Breakfast Sandwiches.” Is it just me, or are these just Egg McMuffins in a fancy wrapper? Sure, I may not have to order it from my car by shouting through a clown’s mouth, but I could if I wanted to. 
Is this is just Fourbuck’s way of getting back at McDonald’s for beating their coffee in a taste test? Perhaps. I like to think this is one more way to screw me over on my way to work. It’s bad enough when I get caught behind a real-life Barbie doll who wants a “half-decaf, half regular, dry soy latte with a half a pump of vanilla and a third of a packet of Sweet & Low” but now she wants a hot bacony muffin with egg and cheese too? Perfect. That shouldn’t take add too much time to the line. Didn’t Denny’s have a “ten minutes or it’s free” deal at one point?
Anybody take a second and think this one through? If I actually have time to spend in the store I sure as hell don’t want to spend it in line. This directly hurts my customer experience, and causes my thoughts to wander to other, less-commercialized coffee shops.
Wait a minute, maybe they did think it through. Maybe the underlying goal is to get us to stand in line for more time, thus making more impulse purchases of music, stuffed animals and 47-setting coffee bean grinders.
I’m onto you Siren…don’t make me start making coffee at home.
I don’t want to have to go to bed early.
October 17th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
When I’m not using my Black Dog Coffee, I hit up McDonald’s for Coffee. That and I doubt that Starbuck’s can nuke something as dangerous to my weak willed morning stomach like a McGriddle. If I leave home without eating my stomach steers my car into McD’s for a McGriddle or a Sausage Egg & Cheese McMuffin.
October 17th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
I seriously hope you are not dogging my Starbucks and just so you know, I am that gal who is ordering the half decaf, half regular, with room for creme, and one and a half packets of sweet n low, with a drizzle of caramel on top. My Starbucks does not sell greasy egg sandwiches but succulent, low calorie, blueberry scones. Hah!
October 17th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
I love McDonald’s breakfasts…that squeaky fork-on-styrofoam combination is the best. I just hate to blow my entire week’s caloric intake on one meal. But oh, what a way to go.
And MyStar, I still like it, but they’re just trying to turn it into too much. Those of us who still just want a cup of coffee, regardless of how you dress it up, it still is in response to the core business. I don’t even mind the pre-packaged lunch sandwiches, I mean it’s still better than vending machine food. This fluff with the stuffed animals and the CD racks is just too much though. Maybe they should come up with an express lane, that only does coffee.
October 17th, 2007 at 11:41 pm
Great post! I was living in the northwest when Starbucks started taking over the world and at the time there were still lots of independent coffee bars around Portland and Eugene. Starbucks was viewed as an invader by most so I was never one of those people who found it cool. In Eugene you were only cool if you avoided Starbucks. If I went there, it was because I had an early morning test and I needed to do some last minute studying at 6am and it was the only place near campus that was open and selling caffeine.
That being said, I do go to Starbucks when I’m in the states. Most of the time, it’s the only place to go. When I was in New York I tried really hard to find espresso bars other than Starbucks and was surprised to find it really difficult. I usually ended up there when I needed my caffeine fix (a few times a day) because I just couldn’t find other places (I’m sure there are some great coffee places there, but I wasn’t ‘in the know’). Same thing in California. It’s just not easy to find a good place for coffee outside of the pacific northwest (by good I mean decent atmosphere, decent prices, and good coffee). And Starbucks is always there. It’s everywhere. For most people, Starbucks was their first experience with a coffee bar so I can understand the attraction. And some of them are cool, have great atmosphere, and a great place to hang out or study. But I see that less and less now. It’s definitely turning into more of a fast food chain.
I miss the small places. Beat’s Me espresso bar in Fresno, my first hangout after high school with it’s thrift store couches and live music; Allan Brothers in Eugene, great coffee, great healthy food for reasonable prices, and the best place to study; Cafe Siena near UO campus with the strange combination of espresso bar/Mexican breakfasts/crepes.
Sorry, didn’t mean to ramble on about all of that. What I meant to say was this: I can understand going to Starbucks for coffee if that’s your only option. And I admire the company for paying their employees decent wages and providing health insurance and all that. I’m not anti-Starbucks. But the truth is that the coffee isn’t great, it’s just convenient. And the food sucks. All of it. Don’t eat it. Not even the pre-packaged lunch sandwiches.
And Joe, I don’t buy your excuse about not wanting to get up any earlier to make coffee. It’s easy enough to program a coffeemaker the night before. And there’s this other great invention called a thermos that allows you to take the hot coffee to work with you to enjoy throughout the day. And for the amount of money you drop at Starbucks in a week, you could be buying some really good beans.
People have become brainwashed into thinking that making food at home (or even something as simple as coffee) is something that will suck up what little free time they have left in their hectic lives. When the truth is, it probably takes less time to make something at home than it takes to drive somewhere to get it. It’s more satisfying and it’s almost always healthier.
Sorry my comment is almost as long as your post
October 18th, 2007 at 6:52 am
Great post, Joe. I laughed a couple times, and as slow as I am, I for the first time understood the name of your blog.
In other news, your new banner is brilliant. Are you going to go the way of Google and do that all the time? Maybe not, but I’m guessing we could see you with a big Santa beard around Christmas time.
October 18th, 2007 at 8:12 am
Ahhh - so many words! Just giving you a hard time, Nicole. The funny thing is that I can brew a whole pot of coffee and it tastes fine, but if I only want to brew enough for two or three cups for me, it tastes, well, yucky. My wife bought me a great thermos to use, but when it’s 110 outside the last thing I want to carry with me is a metal bullet full of near-boiling liquid. Tell you what though, I will do the thermos thing tomorrow and report back. The results will be skewed a bit, since I won’t be in the office as much, but at least I won’t be in line at a coffee shop. But if I stop going for coffee, will I have to change the name of my blog?
Thanks Chuck. I had intended to do a new banner for each month or season, but it takes a little long for something that many people won’t even notice (RSS readers). I can see a full set of holiday ones at least, and then maybe I’ll branch out to the lesser known events.
On a not-completely-unrelated note, if you guys want to try some great coffee that also supports a worthy cause, try Land of a Thousand Hills coffee. It’s the only stuff I brew at home anymore, and helps the widows and children of the Rwandan genocide.
October 18th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Love the McStarbucks logo, I want to make stickers and put it on the drive through menus and see if anybody notices.
Nicole, you have your own blog, why did you put a post this comments section?
October 18th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Sorry, guys! That’s what happens when I have too much coffee
I did write about Starbuck’s on my own blog today though. Well, kind of.
October 18th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
No worries!
October 19th, 2007 at 4:50 am
The only thing that this post makes me want is AN AMERICANO!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 19th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Next thing you know, Starbucks will have a tutor at hand to teach you the songs they sell over the counter. That will be a $19.99 package, with a free tall - read mini-me - coffee thrown in. The person will always be at the store sipping coffee and wondering why BMG never calls back. (S)he will be bitter and will get paid by T-Mobil Hotspot coupons and free re-fills of - you guessed it - mini-me sized cups. But boy will she know how to play all the parts from Drastic Fantastic!
Hmmm…now what does any of what I’ve written have to do with the original post? Clearly, I love my ‘Bux!
October 19th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Great Ronald McDonald mermaid logo!
I drive by both Starbucks and Mickey D’s in the morning, and I really like iced coffee, so I can go to either. Starbucks has a moderately better cup of iced coffee, but, for a bit less, I get 50% more from McDonald’s, and faster service. And a reasonably priced, cheese-oozing egg sandwich. I hate not being trendy, but what can I do?
But I’d love to hear my barista at Starbucks ask, “Do you want fries with that?”
October 20th, 2007 at 2:23 am
Welcome Curt! I know they have already asked me with each purchase if I would like a hot breakfast sandwich with my coffee. Since I haven’t actually consumed said beverage yet, I just stare blankly, and then wander away.
@Emon - I don’t think the tutor idea is too far off…have you seen how many kids are in these places now? It seem like after school, rather than go hang out at the Taco Bell or convenience store they converge on Starbucks like the plague. After 1:00PM I won’t go near one.
October 20th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
Hey Joe Drinker. I’m with you. I love McDonald’s breakfast so much. I want to inject it into my veins. But Starbucks is really getting crazy lately with all the stuff it’s selling. The one down the street from my house sells starbucks tampons. I’m afraid there might be caffeine in there or something, so I’m staying away from those. I do love their white mochas - they’re very delicious, but lately it seems that all the Starbucks I go into are filled with obnoxious teenagers or kids even younger. I never drank coffee as a kid, and I dislike all 10 year olds who drink coffee. I think it’s weird.
October 21st, 2007 at 7:13 pm
I have not seen “breakfast sandwiches” at canadian starbucks yet, but i’m sure it’s only a matter of time..i walk into starbucks EVERY morning on the way into work; i’ve decided that I cannot log into my computer without it; ever since “kids” went back to school though, it’s a bit of a circus, with them scrounging up their “change” stolen from mommy’s wallet to try to order a tiny latte…talk about “unwashed masses”..seriously..
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:21 am
I love the “shouting into a clown’s mouth” line. As for your predicament… here’s how to do it.
Buy a coffee maker. Plug it in and put it on your bedside table. Make sure you can flick the switch without moving more than your arm.
Buy a small jug with a lid for the milk and/or jar for sugar - depends how you take your hit.
Set the coffee up before you go to bed. Hey presto, when the alarm goes off in the morning simply flop one arm over and flick the switch to on. I survived my years of working in London like this… it’s a good 15 years since I’ve got out of bed before I’ve had a cup of coffee!
Good luck.
Cheers
BC
October 22nd, 2007 at 7:45 am
BC, besides the obvious danger to health and safety, I think you’re on to something. Although I’d hate to imagine what would happen if I thought I were hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock and accidentally stuck my hand in a pot of brewing coffee. It would probably be the last time I ever overslept by setting the snooze!
October 24th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
i don’t frequent starbucks very often, but someone bought me a large water bottle from there and it cost $14.00! that was enough to make it a “desperation/bad hangover” stop only. i can barely afford to drink there, let alone eat.
October 24th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Joebec, I hope that’s an exaggeration…either that or your friend charged a hefty finder’s fee. Which, on top of the regular cost, would almost constitutes a crime being committed.
And Secret Agent Mama…I gave you a couple of days. Did you ever get your Americano?
July 25th, 2008 at 11:00 am
My plan is coming to fruition; soon every Bux and McDonald’s will be one and I can gorge myself on a McVenti quad latte and a palate of Macs in the same location! muhahahaha