FourBux

10 Commandments of Cubicle Life

Since I spend a good portion of my (loosely defined as) awake time in this fuzzy box, I’ve decided that there are some things that are just poor form when it comes to life in Cubeville. And, since lists with names that contain the words “The 10 Commandments” seem to be relatively popular, I’ve put together one of my own. Or rather, wrote down what was given to me. Since I couldn’t find any stone tablets, and frankly, they look cumbersome, so I chose the web.

1. Thou shalt not speak to your doctor about the results of your colonoscopy on your cubicle phone, or break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend on same. The “walls” of a cubicle are designed for the impression of privacy, yet in reality, all those around can hear everything thou sayest. Just keep that in mind. If you really feel that a private conversation must be had, find thy way to the nearest area that actually has a door. And close it.
2. Thou shalt not use an annoying musical ring tone on they mobile phone, and by annoying, I referreth to any musical ring tone. Like unto the idea of an “inside voice,” thou shalt keep your phone’s ringer at a reasonable volume. Whilst I am on the subject, thou shalt also take thy mobile phone with thee when thou goest to lunch, or to a meeting, yea, even unto the can. Even though you don’t have to answer it if it rings, at least it isn’t sitting on your desk, blasting “La Cucaracha” at your coworkers. Blessed are they that mourn your choice of ring tone, for they will inherit your office supplies upon your smiting.
3. Thou shalt not break wind in your cubicle. One would think this could be left unsaid, but, alas, I was wrong. Thanks for ruining My perfect record. Just because your cubicle may be the same size as a bathroom stall and have a similar wall structure, does not mean that it is a restroom. Unless your chair is the type that flusheth, of course, in which case, thou shouldst probably seek new employment anyway.
4. Though shalt not visit web sites with questionable/annoying content on the office workstation. These web sites include, but are not limited to, adult sites, video storage sites, YouTube, eBaumsWorld, and most e-card web sites. If you feel the need to switch tabs quickly when a co-worker enters the cube or pops their head over the wall, you probably shouldst not be viewing it anyway. If thou choosest to visit an e-card site, thou shalt lower the volume on thy computer, or Someone Else will do it for you. The loud rainbow colored cartoon bunny wishing you a “Hop, hop, Hoppy Birthday!” may make you laugh, but your co-workers are tired of hearing it. Remember, I see all, and they are plotting their revenge. So sayeth Me.
5. Thou shalt not reheat a meal of fish or liver in the office microwave. Yea, I have created the fat of the land for your sustenance, and it is good, but in an office where sixty of my people share the same microwave, you shalt not be the jerk who reheats last night’s salmon croquettes in the oven designed for TV dinners and coffee. If I wanted all food to smell like swamp, I would have made it so.
6. Thou shalt not create unto yourself any shrine of swimsuit models, yea, or cheesecake/beefcake photos of thine spouse. The cubicle walls are designed to hold Post-It notes, Thought for the Day calendars, and Dilbert comics. Pictures of your trip to the beach, especially the nude variety, even with a Post-It note over your naughty parts, are not good in the sight of the Almighty. Or your co-workers. Even if you seem to have found yourself in one of those King of Queens types of relationships, where thy spouse is truly a piece of My handiwork, you, verily, have let thyself go, and should thusly remain covered. Always.
7. Thou shalt not turn thy cubicle into a jungle, with all manner of plant growing therein. A maximum of two small houseplants may be displayed, with regular care given, lest they die. Thou shalt not have an overgrown plant that escapes the bounds of your cube and encroaches on the workspace of others, nay, any more than thou shall have a collection of pots filled with dirt and dead foliage. This is an abomination. And attracts bugs.
8. Thou shalt not electronically forward every humorous anecdote, strange story, or funny picture you wander across to everyone on the floor. Verily, the email server is not your own personal playground, and every time you send a seven-megabyte video of a cat falling off a table to everyone in the building, someone else is waiting for their real work to come in. Into you, I have programmed restraint. Please try to make use of it. And thou shalt also bookmark Snopes.com and reference it before sending out any “unbelievable” stories or photos. If it’s unbelievable, it probably is. Thou shalt also not print out every such story for adhesion to your cubicle wall. I made the trees to recycle carbon dioxide and for beauty, not to be clear-cut so you can print out questionable materials on the company dime.
9. Thou shalt not broadcast thy personal radio preferences at those around you. Similarly, music that you stream from the internet should also be listened to at a reasonable volume. The “reasonable” standard is that of an office, not that of a night club. AC/DC, although the band doth rock, should not be broadcast at a six-out-of-ten volume. If you simply must listen to Monster Ballads of the 80’s all day long (and trust Me, you don’t), thou shalt make use of head phones. Behold, I have given thee the film “Office Space” as a guide. Please make use of it.
10. Thou shalt bathe regularly, yea, even daily, immediately previous to arrival at thine office. Body odor, although natural, is a sad by product of what I had to work with when I made you. See also flatulence. Also, the act of pouring on perfume or cologne is an abomination to thine co-workers, and doesn’t hide anything. If fellow employees’ eyes water when you enter their work space, thou hast made an offense to their senses, and must immediately bathe in the employee restroom sink. If thou hast been blessed with an office locker room, complete with shower, take thineself into the water seven times. This will remove the offending odor, as well as give your co-workers time to rinse out their eyes and water thy plants.

Don’t shoot the messenger.

Cheers!