FourBux

Why I hate E-bay, a huge steaming rant

I have made a grand total of 13 transactions on the ‘Bay, but have been a member for about five years. I have a sparkling 100% feedback rating. Though mentally I equate it to a worldwide swap meet, I take it seriously. There are people for whom online sales are their only source of income, and I don’t begrudge them that fact. I treat people in their online personas much as I would in a traditional brick and mortar store, with dignity and common courtesy.

There are those out there too with the exact opposite mentality – their goal is to swindle, steal from and otherwise malign the general deal-seeking community. I can also appreciate their position. Criminals are criminals. It’s easier to cheat someone out of their money than to earn your own, and then you have to deal with taxes, and online cheating ensures that at least nobody can tell what you look like. That’s why when I buy, say, an $800 bundle of “gay-rhun-teeed lee-git-a-met” design software, I only partially expect to be able to install and, dare I say, use said software. Twice over the course of my extensive Ebay résumé have my past employer or I been suckered into purchasing bootleg software, not because we’re particularly dense, but because we were intentionally deceived. Caveat emptor, I guess. A Palm Pilot I purchased was missing a key piece of functionality – the ability to connect to a computer – and the software disk was bootleg and didn’t work. The U2 Special Edition iPod had that strange rattle when you turned it slowly…suggesting that at any moment your songs were going to pour out all over the ground like so many grains of sand and blow away.

My general outlook on the entire business is jaded, at best. It’s definitely the last resort when it comes to my online dollar, and the only reason I haven’t written off totally yet is because of the little crap you can get for basically the cost of shipping – you know the stuff. The $0.50 car charger for my cell phone. The little trim ring that snapped off my steering wheel was $15 at the dealer, $.80 plus a buck shipping on the ‘Bay. You just can’t beat that.

I also hate paying and waiting for shipping. That’s why, whenever possible, I try to look for local sellers, and then convince them to do a local pickup. Saves me money on shipping, saves them the hassle of trying to find a box that will hold a foosball table, everybody wins. Yeah, I spend a little on gas, but seeing as how I’m all over town for work anyway, I might as well come home with the newly purchased toy.

Last week I emailed a local seller whose auction was closing soon with no bids about the possibility of a local pick-up, as well as perhaps purchasing in person with, can you believe it, cash. Part of the reason I wanted to pick the item up was the shipping on it was $27 for local delivery, but more importantly, I wanted the item for the weekend, and my guess is shipping it wouldn’t have made it here in time. Okay, if you must know, it was a paintball gun and accessories. My friends are trying to get me into the sport, probably because I’m larger and slower and subsequently an easier target. I’ll be killed, I’m sure of it.

Hi, I’m in Phoenix and could pay cash if you’re interested in not dealing with shipping. I could pick it up tomorrow (Friday) afternoon if you’re willing. Just let me know. Thanks.

The reply (seven hours later) was
“I don’t let people come to my house. I have been robbed from that practice.”

Hmmm, perky. Okay, I doubt that you have been robbed by the people you let come to your house, generally you get robbed by the people you don’t let come to your house but who show up regardless. Plus, that doesn’t really address any of my points, and now looking back on it, this should have been a huge red flag. Being the eternal damned optimist that I am, I see the good in people. My eyes “green screen in” birds and rainbows and a smiley face on the sun, so I persisted.

Hi R,
I don’t need to go to your home. Would you be willing to meet someplace - coffee shop, etc - for a local pick up? Can also do Paypal first, or bring cash, whatever you prefer. My mobile number is XXX-XXX-XXXX, or you can reach me via email. Thanks.

Then, nothing. No reply, no call, nada. Zip. On Friday morning the auction was set to close, so I popped back on there to make sure it was still going, and somebody lowballed a bid at $19.99, and posted a complaint about the shipping. I wanted the gun, and since they didn’t bother to answer my question, I figured I’d hop into the bidding war and deal with the pickup/shipping once it was done. Because I was going to offer $100 to close the auction early if they had responded to my email, so I put a proxy bid of $100, to just let it ride.

When the dust settled, my high bid had taken it to a whopping $27 dollars. I was thrilled, but I’m sure the seller was peeved. If you don’t set a reserve price, I’m sorry, but you’re taking that chance. To top it off, I still wanted local pickup, since it didn’t make any sense to double the cost of my new toy when I could drive out and get in for $4.00 in gas and an hour of my time.

Usually I jump right on there and do the Pay Now thing, but I waited to hear about picking it up. It was Monday before I heard back. My weekend plans were blown, so I was less enthusiastic about a pick up, but when I got the emailed invoice from PayPal it only had $10.60 in “Shipping and handling via US Postal Service Priority Mail.” I paid it thinking that the seller realized that the package was only really going a few miles, and that they had adjusted the shipping charges.

Two hours later I get an email from the seller:
“I will take cash so I can open an unpaid item dispute to which we both mutually agree that the sale is off. I will call you tomorrow.”

Um, what? Unpaid? Dispute? Visions of my 100% positive feedback rating began to swirl in my head. Still an Ebay newbie, I’m sure this has some benefit, but it sounded suspect to me.

I actually paid via the PayPal invoice you sent me a couple hours ago…what does that do to the plan?

I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, although I was beginning to wonder about the number of personalities I may be dealing with.

The next day, Tuesday, (seriously, the next day?) I get the response.
“Nothing much I’ll call. When is a good time to be at Litchfield and Western?”

Now, I’ve grown up in Phoenix, and I had to look up where that intersection was. After finding it, I’m pretty sure the seller was picking a location that was so far outside of the area that I would cave and ask to ship it. But now I’m invested – I’d drive to California at this point, and this was close.

Hi R,
Unfortunately, Tuesdays are my busy days, so it couldn’t be until after the work day if you wanted to do it today. I work in Tempe and will be here until 4:00, but can head out after that, be there by maybe 5:00 or 5:30. Wednesday my day opens up after 1:00, so if you wanted an earlier meet up, it would need to be Wednesday through Friday. Whichever worked better for you is fine with me.

“OK tomorrow then. Call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX.”

By lunchtime, as is usually the case, my next workday began to fill up, and I wasn’t sure I could get out to the place where the sun sets and get back before my afternoon meetings. And, since I was under the impression that local shipping was already paid, I asked to get the stuff shipped:

I hate to do this to you, but at this point, would you be open to just mailing it per your original wishes? My days, although technically flexible, fill up fast, so tomorrow may not be as good for me as it looks now. I’m finding my calendar for tomorrow is getting packed in the afternoon. It could go on for days like that - just the nature of my job.

The only real reason I wanted to do a local pickup was because I needed it for the Saturday the 23rd, and I hated to pay $27 to ship something that would take me a half hour to go pick up. But now that you figured local shipping to be less, and that the weekend has passed, I can wait a day or two. That way you can just keep the PayPal payment as is, and just send it out in the mail.

Sorry about that - I’m not trying to yank your chain, I just would hate to set something up for tomorrow and then have to cancel because of work obligations.

Just let me know.

At 3:00 I get this gem:
“That was the handling charge. Shipping was not included. I don’t deliver for free. Now you have closed out the payment and I can’t fix it. This is what happens when someone gets $300 of equipment and can’t pay $38 dollars to own and ship it.”

If you’re following along, this is the exact moment I became “pissed off.” In an effort to keep open communication with an increasingly aggravating and evidently tactless seller, I let them know that I originally wanted to pick it up because I needed it last week, asked then maybe they could ship it because they charged me for it and my day was filling up. They then have the gall to pull this shit?

Furious, I had to get up and walk around. If I had sat there I would have sent something back that I would have regretted. Especially because this person had both my money and my product, and at that moment, I didn’t care what they thought of me. If it weren’t for that fact that my PayPal address is linked to my business email address, and any idiot who could read could determine my business name, address, phone number, etc, I probably would have unloaded on them. Damage control would be tough if my professional reputation got involved. I have to remember to change that email address.

Trying to hold my composure, but obviously torked and wanting them to know it, my response was brief:

Okay, never mind. I can come out and pick it up tomorrow afternoon. I’ll call you at 1:00 to make sure that you’re available too. I should be at the intersection at Litchfield and Western about 2:00.

We’ll see if they actually show.

And, in the interest of a true rant, here’s the email I really wanted to send:

Hi R,
Sorry about misunderstanding what the $10.60 charge was for. I assumed it was for shipping and handling, since that’s what it said on the damn bill. My bad. So, you’re charging me for handling, which gets me what? Increasingly rude treatment over the course of five days, and the implication that I’m going to rob you as well? Awesome. I’ve paid double in the past.

And I can appreciate that you don’t want to give me your address so I can’t come to your house and rob you. Really. I can. Nobody likes to get robbed. Especially obvious people-persons such as yourself. But, guess what genius, your address is on the f***ing invoice from Ebay. So not only do I know where you live, I also know the location you picked to meet me is about five miles past where you live, in another town, in fact. For that stunt, you are a tool. Tool Supreme, I’d say, but I’m not really hung up on titles. If you really wanted me to not know where you live, you could have just picked a public coffee shop or Circle K. They’re on every corner. You may even have one in your own damn area code. I’d look into that next time you’re headed “into town fer supplies.”

I’m really looking forward to our little tête-à-tête. I have a personal bet with myself that you’ll stand me up after I drive all the way out there, at which point I’ll just go to the beach instead. It’s near there, and I’ve got sunscreen in the car. Or maybe I’ll go to your house. Because I know where you live.

And, just in case you do decide to show up, don’t expect any pleasantries from me. Oh, I won’t run over you, but that’s mostly because I just had the car washed. While I won’t be rude to you, I also don’t want to spend more than two minutes in your presence. I am, after all, buying a weapon and ammunition, and am more than a little concerned for your safety. It is just paint, but I bet it’d hurt like hell from point-blank range through your street clothes. I don’t even want to think about it. But if I get a weird grin on my face during our exchange, just know that’s exactly what I’m thinking about.

And to your snide comment about not being able to pay $38 for $300 worth of equipment, well, no need for sour grapes. I was more than willing to pay you $100 in cash, all you had to do was give me the courtesy of a reply rather than sit on my message all day and then fire back a paranoid, and, might I add, poorly crafted, note that didn’t even address my question. I wasn’t even going to bid until someone else lowballed you, so basically I bid for your benefit. How was I to know they would stop bidding at $25? You really should have set a reserve. You have 87 feedback stars under your belt, one could assume that you know how Ebay works.

I’ll see you this afternoon. I don’t know what you’ll be driving, but considering it’s going to be mostly sand, cow skulls and circling vultures out there I imagine I’ll be able to find you. I’ll be in the BMW.

Cheers.

P.S. By the way, if you paid $300 for this set, you got screwed. Sideways. New these guns are only about $125, and the used crap you bundled with it probably adds another sixty. Check out Craigslist once in a while. Used paintball gun rates are probably right around $100. Wait, where have I seen that number? Oh, yeah, that’s what I was going to offer you in cash.

Ah. That felt good.